It’s 3 AM and you are wide awake. Ruminating about the past. Trying to figure out why you just can’t let it go.
Sometimes it is something small – like a messed-up word in an important meeting. I have one of those from 20+ years ago that still occasionally come up!
Or it can be big – like forgiving your ex after a nasty divorce.
I have been there. But since it is no fun, and I like sleep, I have spent years learning tools to help me let go of the past. I am going to share with you what I have found successful.
But first let’s talk about why we get stuck in the first place.
Why Can't I Let Go of The Past?
There are many reasons that we can get stuck in the past. Depending on the situation itself, our own personality and many other factors.
But from my experience these are some of the common ones.
Ways to Let Go of the Past
Acceptance
Step one of letting go of the past is to accept that it happened.
This is not about liking it or forgiving everyone involved, or about understanding it.
It is about acknowledging that it happened. It’s about eliminating denial.
You can start by saying: [event] happened. I don’t like it, but the reality is it occurred.
That is, it – no more is needed. You may find that at the beginning you have to repeat this multiple times. And that is okay. The goal here is to accept so you can start to move on. Without acceptance the rest of these tools are harder to do.
Emotional Healing Work
Once you have started to accept it you can start to heal the emotional pain you have. While time does help you to heal, if you actively work on the process, you will be able to release and move on faster.
For information on emotional healing tools checkout this article.
Self-Awareness
Breaking free of the habit of thinking of the past requires you to be aware of your thoughts and your emotions.
You know you are ruminating on the past, but do you know what triggered it? What were you doing right before it started? How does it make you feel? Is there one part of the past that is keeping you stuck?
This other information that comes up through self-awareness will help you to release the past.
For example, you find yourself thinking about your ex-boyfriend. But this is the first time in a few months. You are confused as to why you can’t mentally let go – no matter how you try. If you think back through what you were doing before you may realize that you saw a couple walk out of a church newly married. Then your mom called five minutes later.
This may have brought up a subconscious reminder that your ready to settle down. This is why you struggle to let go.
Just knowing this can help you make better plans to move on.
How do you start to be more self-aware?
The best way to do this is to start a meditation practice. Meditation requires you to calm and center the mind. This helps train you to be more aware of your thoughts, even when you aren’t meditating.
This allows you to notice when sneaky thoughts from the past creep in. Which allows you to quickly gather the information you need to keep doing your emotional healing work so you can move on.
Understand Where You Have Control
It is easy to get stuck in the past when we feel helpless and have no control. You can get stuck in the “what if” cycle. What if I had done…
Or stuck in the cycle of fear it could happen again.
But if you had no control then it is a cycle that will harm us.
For example, if you are stuck letting go of your ex because he showed up one day and said “I am done” with no other information. Trying to analyze the things you couldn’t impact will keep you in fear and stuck in the past.
But by understanding what we can’t control will help us release that and move on.
How to do this?
Grab your journal and create a list of everything that impacted the situation you can’t let go of. Then label each one with ‘I control’ or ‘can’t control.’ Then when you are ruminating review the list and remind yourself to release what you can’t control.
With the things you can control, use this as your emotional healing list to begin to move forward.
What are You Getting from Being Stuck in The Past?
This often makes no sense. Why would you want to be stuck in something painful? But the reality is we gain something from the pain.
Perhaps you get the attention you have been craving. Maybe it stops you from having to face your fear of success.
Start by creating a list of everything that you get from staying in the past pain. With this list you can begin to re-write your beliefs around the negative impacts.
For example, if you find that you are getting attention from not letting go. Then you can explore healthy ways to get attention. And at the same time work on believing that negative attention is harmful in other ways. Bonus: create a list of the harmful ways to help you stay aware.
Practice Gratitude
Gratitude forces us to pay attention to what is good in the here and now. Making us leave behind the past negative thoughts even if just for a moment. There is research showing that gratitude will help change your time focus. Making letting go of the past easier. (Wanna know more about this? I recommend this book: Time Paradox.)
A simple gratitude practice is to write down three things you are grateful for before bed each night. Try to keep them to things you are grateful for that happened that day, so you stay in the present moment.
The more specific the better! And it can be as simple as “I am grateful for the extra five minutes I had this morning before the kids were up.”
Face Your Fears
This is not easy, but worth the effort. When the fear is gone, you can not only move on, but it may free up more energy. And who doesn’t want more energy! How do you do it?
First, identify the main fear. Get very specific with this. Why are you afraid of the change? What would it mean for your life?
Second, ask yourself if this is probable. We can often take our fears to extremes. By acknowledging it might not be as bad as we think we can let go.
Third, use emotional healing tools to help you release the fears that are there. My personal favorite for this is EFT Tapping.
Check out my workbook on Overcoming Fear During Times of Change. It includes these steps and more.
The longer we are stuck in the past, the harder it becomes to see where we are stuck. Ruminating can become habitual, and you could end up trapped. Simply because of habit.
Add to this, some events are more traumatic than others making it harder to overcome.
If you have been at this for a while. And nothing is working. I highly recommend finding a therapist.
A counselor can provide you with an objective view and help you talk though where you are stuck.
Practice Self-Care
When we can’t let go it is usually because it was an event that created emotional trauma. While self-care is important all the time, it is critical during times of major changes.
This self-care allows you the time to emotionally heal and release. If we just power through and ignore our needs, it just makes the process longer.
Ask yourself everyday:
Journal about this, and then give yourself what you need!
How to Let Go of The Past Immediately?
While I wish there was a secret tool that erased your memory just like in Men in Black. But there isn’t, so the next best thing are tools you can use to get yourself to stop thinking about the past immediately.
Move Your Body
Stand up and start moving. This doesn’t have to be a full exercise session. You can walk around your office, or your yard. The goal is to just move! This does two things:
Body Scan Meditation
Like physical movement distracts your mind, a body scan can do the same thing. It puts the attention on your body and not your mind.
If you do want a body scan that also helps to identify where in your body your emotions are stuck, check out this one.
Journal Prompts To Let Go of The Past
Journaling is a great way to get a different perspective on your past. When we journal, we allow ourselves to discover more about ourselves. Thus, helping us move on. Use these journal prompts to help you explore past situations that you may still need to get over.
Remember to be gentle with yourself during this entire process. There is no timeline on overcoming past hurts. Allow yourself to feel the emotions and heal the right way. Then you can confidently move forward and not worry about the past coming back to get in your way.
Weekly Journal Prompts
Get a journal prompt every Monday to make your journaling more productive!