How to Let Go of the Past

​Why Can’t I Let Go of The Past?

There are many reasons that we can get stuck in the past. Depending on the situation itself, our own personality and many other factors.

But from my experience these are some of the common ones.

• The stories we tell ourselves. We all have stories we tell ourselves, and it’s easy to want to keep our story. If we don’t, then that means we must change. And change is not easy. It is easier to keep our version of the story.
• Feeling you are helpless in the situation. If you feel like you have no control, then you can feel trapped in the past.
• Habit – Habits are more than just physical like turning on a light switch. They can also be emotional. So, we get stuck not because we want to be, but because we haven’t re-wired our emotional habits and mind.
• Attached to drama. This can be intertwined with habit, especially if you are used to drama and chaos in your life. It can be hard to even see that it is happening. Our bodies and minds like the drama on some level because it is what it knows. So, we cling to the past.
• Have not fully processed and accepted the emotions that came with past events. For example, you have processed your anger from a past relationship. But you have not handled your own role in the relationship. As long as something is still on going with that relationship, you will be stuck on some level. It will get smaller and have less impact with each part of the relationship you heal.
• ​Fear of the Unknown – we know the past. No matter how painful it is, it is known. When we don’t know what is coming up it is difficult to let go of the past.
• Spiritual Blocks – sometimes it’s not you, or at least something your mind is consciously doing. The more intense a past situation is, the more likely it is to have a big energy field. This may linger after the situation is done. Learn more about spiritual healing.

Ways to Let Go of the Past

Now that you have an idea of why you might be holding on, let’s dig into how to let go!

Acceptance

Step one of letting go of the past is to accept that it happened.

This is not about liking it or forgiving everyone involved, or about understanding it.

It is about acknowledging that it happened. It’s about eliminating denial.

You can start by saying: [event] happened. I don’t like it, but the reality is it occurred.

That is, it – no more is needed. You may find that at the beginning you have to repeat this multiple times. And that is okay. The goal here is to accept so you can start to move on. Without acceptance the rest of these tools are harder to do.

If you need help with this, I have a meditation to help you relax, accept and move on. You can find it here: YouTube, Insight Timer, Meditate with Andrea Podcast Episode 23

Emotional Healing Work

Once you have started to accept it you can start to heal the emotional pain you have. While time does help you to heal, if you actively work on the process, you will be able to release and move on faster.

For information on emotional healing tools checkout this article.

Self-Awareness

Breaking free of the habit of thinking of the past requires you to be aware of your thoughts and your emotions.

You know you are ruminating on the past, but do you know what triggered it? What were you doing right before it started? How does it make you feel? Is there one part of the past that is keeping you stuck?

This other information that comes up through self-awareness will help you to release the past.

For example, you find yourself thinking about your ex-boyfriend. But this is the first time in a few months. You are confused as to why you can’t mentally let go – no matter how you try. If you think back through what you were doing before you may realize that you saw a couple walk out of a church newly married. Then your mom called five minutes later.

This may have brought up a subconscious reminder that you’re ready to settle down. This is why you struggle to let go.

Just knowing this can help you make better plans to move on.

How do you start to be more self-aware?

The best way to do this is to start a meditation practice. Meditation requires you to calm and center the mind. This helps train you to be more aware of your thoughts, even when you aren’t meditating.

This allows you to notice when sneaky thoughts from the past creep in. Which allows you to quickly gather the information you need to keep doing your emotional healing work so you can move on.

Understand Where You Have Control

It is easy to get stuck in the past when what we are fixated on is something we have no control over. When you don’t have control then it is harmful because we can’t ever fix the core issue.

For example, if you were laid off from your company after years of dedicated work for them and the reason for the layoff was a corporate restructuring due to a new CEO. And if you are fixated on this excuse, you will struggle to move forward. Because you didn’t have control over who the CEO was and how they decided to reshape the company.

Understanding what we can’t control will help us release that and move on.

How to do this?

Grab your journal and create a list of everything that impacted the situation you can’t let go of. Then label each one with ‘I control’ or ‘can’t control.’ Then when you are ruminating review the list and remind yourself to release what you can’t control.

With the things you can control, use this as your emotional healing list to begin to move forward.

In the example above, your can control items may have been communicate more with boss, finish degree or kept up my networking.

What are You Getting from Being Stuck in The Past?

This often makes no sense. Why would you want to be stuck in something painful? But the reality is we gain something from the pain.

Perhaps you get the attention you have been craving. Maybe it stops you from having to face your fear of success.

Start by creating a list of everything that you get from staying in the past pain. With this list you can begin to re-write your beliefs around the negative impacts.

For example, if you find that you are getting attention from not letting go. Then you can explore healthy ways to get attention. And at the same time work on believing that negative attention is harmful in other ways. Bonus: create a list of the harmful ways to help you stay aware.

Practice Gratitude

Gratitude forces us to pay attention to what is good in the here and now. Making us leave behind the past negative thoughts even if just for a moment. There is research showing that gratitude will help change your time focus. Making letting go of the past easier. (Wanna know more about this? I recommend this book: Time Paradox.)

A simple gratitude practice is to write down three things you are grateful for before bed each night. Try to keep them to things you are grateful for that happened that day, so you stay in the present moment.

The more specific the better! And it can be as simple as “I am grateful for the extra five minutes I had this morning before the kids were up.”

Face Your Fears

​This is not easy, but worth the effort. When the fear is gone, you can not only move on, but it may free up more energy. And who doesn’t want more energy! How do you do it?

First, identify the main fear. Get very specific with this. Why are you afraid of the change? What would it mean for your life?

Second, ask yourself if this is probable. We can often take our fears to extremes. By acknowledging it might not be as bad as we think we can let go.

Third, use emotional healing tools to help you release the fears that are there. My personal favorite for this is EFT Tapping.

Check out my workbook on Overcoming Fear During Times of Change. It includes these steps and more.

Go to Counseling

Practice Self-Care

When we can’t let go it is usually because it was an event that created emotional trauma. While self-care is important all the time, it is critical during times of major changes.

This self-care allows you the time to emotionally heal and release. If we just power through and ignore our needs, it just makes the process longer.

Ask yourself every day:

• What do I need emotionally?
• What do I need mentally?
• What do I need physically?
• What do I need spiritually?

How to Let Go of The Past Immediately?

While I wish there was a secret tool that erased your memory just like in Men in Black. But there isn’t, so the next best thing are tools you can use to get you to stop thinking about the past right now.

Move Your Body

Stand up and start moving. This doesn’t have to be a full exercise session. You can walk around your office, or your yard. The goal is to just move!

This does two things:

• Shifts your focus and energy from your thoughts to your body. You may still be thinking about the issue, but it will be less. Helping to ease the negative feelings.
• Helps move trapped trauma in your body. Our bodies hold on to emotions when they are not fully dealt with. Moving can help them be released.

Body Scan Meditation

Like physical movement distracts your mind, a body scan can do the same thing. It puts the attention on your body and not your mind.

If you do want a body scan that also helps to identify where in your body your emotions are stuck, check out this one.

Change Location

Just like moving your body shifts your attention, so can changing where you are. Sometimes our minds just need a little distraction to help us through a situation we are stuck on.  Take a walk outside, go to a movie, even just changing the room you are in may help.

Journal Prompts To ​Let Go of The Past

To finish up, I want to leave you with some journal prompts to help you let go of the past.

​Journaling is a great way to get a different perspective. When we journal, we allow ourselves to discover more about ourselves. Thus, helping us move on. Use these journal prompts to help you explore past situations that you may still need to get over.

• What might I not be seeing? The goal here is to try and change how you interpret past events. You could also ask this as: what do others see that I am not seeing or what am I interpreting wrong?
• Where am I stuck in habit? Think through everything you may be doing tied to this event. Then ask yourself, is this a habit reaction or is it still valid.
• How can I change my situation? When we start to feel helpless then it is beneficial to explore what we control. Even if that is a small thing. Taking control where we can help us move on.
• But what if… (create a list of other options)

Remember to be gentle with yourself during this entire process. There is no timeline for overcoming past hurts. Allow yourself to feel the emotions and heal the right way. Then you can confidently move forward and not worry about the past coming back to get in your way.